Table of Contents
Trump Media & Technology Group
For immediate release
(Palm Beach, Florida) Trump Media & Technology Group's Chief Executive Officer President Donald J. Trump announces the opening of the World's Best Wax Museum at an undisclosed location in South Florida. Set in a faithful reproduction of the Master Suite of the $354 million Mar-a-Lago Club. Guests will have their NFT taken beside a life-size statute of Trump Media & Technology Group's Chief Executive Officer President Donald J. Trump and a replica of the Official Trump Media & Technology Group's Chief Executive Officer President Donald J. Trump Action Figure® (available for sale in the gift shop where you can find a yuge selection of patriotic hats, flags, banners, bear spray and other First Amendment tactical accessories).
Bear with me
What if Trump is a no-show in New York on Monday April 15, 2024 for his felony fraud trial.
Who the hell knows? It's just another unprecedented situation in the longest known run of unprecedenteds. So, I claim that my speculation here is at least plausible.
The Bench Warrant
After hearing lame explanations from the defense, Judge Merchan will issue a bench warrant for his arrest. The Secret Service will decline to reveal the location of their protectee. Fair enough. Various false leads will be chased until it becomes obvious that Il Donaldo has gone to ground at a undisclosed location in South Florida where he is posing as himself whenever the doorbell rings in his own wax museum. Ukrainian intelligence will decline to confirm or deny that it was the source of the GPS coordinates that provided the location in Loxahatchee, Florida at the site of an abandoned warehouse.
The Extradition Request
There's a law for that
Whenever the executive authority of any State or Territory demands any person as a fugitive from justice, of the executive authority of any State, District, or Territory to which such person has fled, and produces a copy of an indictment found or an affidavit made before a magistrate of any State or Territory, charging the person demanded with having committed treason, felony, or other crime, certified as authentic by the governor or chief magistrate of the State or Territory from whence the person so charged has fled, the executive authority of the State, District, or Territory to which such person has fled shall cause him to be arrested and secured, and notify the executive authority making such demand, or the agent of such authority appointed to receive the fugitive, and shall cause the fugitive to be delivered to such agent when he shall appear. If no such agent appears within thirty days from the time of the arrest, the prisoner may be discharged.
Pretty routine, right?
Governor Ron
The guy who is supposed to sign off on extradition has other ideas.
The Fine Wheels of Justice
The next stop will be that the State of New York filing a case in Federal District Court for the Southern District of Florida to enforce the constitutional obligation for Florida to extradite when a proper request is made by another state.
Article IV, Section 2, Clause 2:
A Person charged in any State with Treason, Felony, or other Crime, who shall flee from Justice, and be found in another State, shall on Demand of the executive Authority of the State from which he fled, be delivered up, to be removed to the State having Jurisdiction of the Crime.
Luck of the Draw
The Chief Judge of the District will randomly assign the case to—Judge Cannon, of course. Because. (Take your pick from Kismet to whatever.)
Pleadings
You know how this song goes. Forever, forever, forever amen.
Ruling
You know how this goes, too. A totally novel mis-reading of applicable law with a measure of inapplicable law thrown in for good measure.
On appeal
A panel of the U.S. Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals reverses and remands to Judge Cannon with directions to issue an injunction requiring the Governor to bring up the culprit.
Hearing en banc
Once more with feeling. The full appellate court agrees with the panel and we start again.
Petition for certiorari
Off to the Supreme Court goes The State of Florida and back comes the minute order that does deny the petition but gives a rationale that this is a matter of the original jurisdiction of the Supreme Court and suggesting that the Fifth Circuit take that into account.
They can take a hint
Another round of briefs and argument and the ruling comes back—of course, you're right, we shouldn't have gone down this road in the first place. We're sending it back to be dismissed.
New York turns to the Supremes
A.G. James gives the Court a case they can't dodge. It is scheduled to be argued in the 2028 term, by this time, and by June 2029, a 4-4 divided Court can't agree on what record they must act on. The guess-who wing of the Court think that a full evidentiary trial would be nice, although some uncertainty is expressed as to what role, if any, a jury should play. The Job wing switches the usual role and takes a plain reading approach to the Extradition Clause, asking "which part of 'shall on demand' is still unclear to you clowns?" They do, of course, phrase it in more polite and measured tones. Extra credit, though, for guessing the missing vote.
Not a bad fallback?
If Trump makes it safely to January 20, 2025 and becomes President for Life he's all good, of course. But, if he doesn't? He might miss Bedminster and maybe his Scotland property, but really, isn't everything he needs in Florida? He can enjoy internal exile as a much enhanced form of house arrest while the extradition case winds its Jardyce way to the end of his natural days.
